The narrative of my performance came at a late stage. I knew what I wanted to say but I found it challenging to just sit there.. and write. I felt forced and I kept worrying about being too superficial and unnatural. I wanted my narrative to come from the heart, not constructed through pressure. Myself and some other Solo Performers met up discussed, helped and supported each others ideas and narratives which helped me immensely. To initiate the construction of my narrative, I gave my audience 3 motifs surrounding my performance: Hope/Aspirations, Letting go and Memories. From this I asked them to ask me questions about my life, what I feel, who I am and what I believe, this would be used to foreground my narrative and start the process of writing as it was to be recorded. Below are things I took from this recording in hope of catching something.

The first question I was asked threw me in at the deep end.. what is your biggest regret? Wow.. I didn’t know how to answer this one. I just sat there thinking silently. It was then when I appreciated silence because everyone was thinking, everyone was thinking different things and I wanted to elongate this a little bit more – strange I know, but this felt like an experiment for me. I answered..

My biggest regret is not something I have physically done, my biggest regret is something that is emotional and sometimes uncontrollable. It’s a part of my personality that sometimes I really don’t want. When something goes wrong or something bad happens, it’s the part of my personality that influences my reaction. I always want to please people and want to be liked.. I have a very up and down personality and this gives me advantages, however various disadvantages! But I feel that I have emotionally matured and that definitely comes with age.

How old do you think you’ll be when you think you’ll be happy?

I feel life is a blessing and ideally I would like to be 100% happy now. When you’re young, you have no responsibilities, you look better physically, you can do what you want. However on a more practical level, life gets better in your 40’s.. you have many life experiences that have taught you well and I think that even though ideally being ‘young’ is seen as better, it’s not until you have grown up that you really begin to understand who you are and what life is.

What was the best moment in your life?

There have been many but I would probably say the day when I saw Eminem live at V Festival in 2011. I was in a moment when I didn’t care what I had done before and I wasn’t thinking about what I was going to do after. I existed in only that moment and it was beautiful.. I was so bloody excited, I couldn’t stop crying the day before!

What was the worst moment in your life?

I don’t know, I don’t know if I could possibly list them all.. one time that sticks with me is, my dad nearly died 3 years ago. I was lied to for my own good and was told that he was in hospital for a routine check-up. I carried on with my life and went bra shopping one day with my mum and sister.. whilst I was in Debenhams, I received a call from my stepmum claiming that if my dad dies, it will be my fault as I’m out not caring. It was at this point I was told the truth, that my dad was seriously unwell and could possibly die. I was upset but understood that as there was nothing I could do about it, both my mum and dad had decided to keep it from me.. however, my step-mum decided to scream abuse and let me know that she was slitting her wrists on the phone whilst having this conversation. I have seen her do it before so I knew she was telling the truth. I didn’t know how to react, all I could think about was finding a bra as I DEFINITELY needed a bigger size! How absurd? I guess you can’t run away from the absurd. Life if absurd. I just kept thinking ‘all I need is my bra, not this!’ It was very surreal and it stayed with me for a long time as when my dad had got better, he didn’t believe me when I told him we had had that conversation. It upset me and I eventually fell out with him! To this day, he doesn’t ever want to discuss it.. 

It seems that in every serious event in your life, you find the positives and there’s always a funny thing that happens to you in the midst of chaos. Is there anything that you can incorporate this absurdity into your performance?

I don’t necessarily want my whole performance to be ‘absurd’ as that term is pretty ambiguous, however I want to use these hilarious moment in my life and drop them in to my narrative. You can spend your whole life regretting things and trying to change the way you react however, sometimes your initial reaction is the most natural reaction. It seems I have nice intentions but I have a mundane facade which I could use to fuel elements in my performance. Referring to life quotes, being negative and nostalgic will create a sad atmosphere however finding the funny parts in the narrative such as my bra mission, bra size, possibly singing one of my favourite songs will juxtapose the negative comments and create a happy and content atmosphere. I need to let go of somethings, so I guess I’m like Spalding Gray and need a cathartic release from some shit that has happened! Some audience members may feel it too, that’s what I like; the fact I won’t know as it’s so personal.

Will you miss Uni?

Wow, how cliché is this going to sound? Haha.. ‘I found myself here’. I literally have had the most amazing three years of my life and I don’t for one second regretting moving away and coming here! I get angry at the LPAC sometimes for the constant essays, deadlines, performances, feeback, DISSERTATION, meetings etc.. that we have to continuously do, but hey that IS what Uni is about! We pay for this so it is in our best interest to go to everything.. definitely sound like my mother, haha! I feel like when I leave Lincoln, I’m going to be leaving a little bit of me behind. I hope some lectures still refer to me, big headed I know but I have really enjoyed my time here. I’m going to miss the stability. I know I need to grow up and move on but when will I know when I am mature enough to move on? I’m going to be a big baby when I bloody leave! I feel like I’ll be leaving the bloody earth.

 

This conversation lasted around 45 minutes and after listening to it back, I wrote down significant things that were said and found a muse to writing my narrative. It will have to be re-worked but I feel that my emotion will dictate some of what I say on the day too. Everything depends on the weather, my audience and my emotions.